Badwater 146 Reflections

Badwater 146 - Reflections

Photo Credit: Liza Howard

The dash of our mini-van the day after the finish of Badwater 146 is a perfect depiction of what the crew went through during the push across Death Valley and 146 miles later up Mount Whitney and another 11 miles back down. The dash is covered with route information, notes on runner nutrition, crew food, multiple pairs of crusty socks and runner shorts. This van was our space shuttle zipping through the galaxy of Death Valley.

I figured this post will cover some of the frequent questions asked over the last few weeks. 

Why Badwater 146 and not the race?

This question has been asked several times and it's pretty simple...I didn't get into Badwater 135. I didn't have the appropriate qualifying races as stated on the Badwater 135 website. At the time, I wasn't even aware that there was such a thing as Badwater 146. The idea of running anything Badwater came when I spoke with a few runner friends via Facebook. One of them recommended that I should run the 135 which would most likely be cheaper than the actual race. I landed on the Badwater 146 website after a few days of researching the BW135 route. I was immediately drawn to the solitude of being out there with just a crew and I working our way across the desert floor, up and through mountains passes and ultimately standing on the summit of Mount Whitney. 

How do you get into Badwater 146? 

There is a lot of information about Badwater 146 on the internet. The information between each website can sometimes be conflicting. With this said, the Badwater 146 website was my main focal point to obtain information on how to be acknowledged as a participant and what was needed to validate the crossing. The Badwater 146 community created 12 guidelines that, when followed,  create a level of transparency regarding your attempt of the crossing. These guidelines also ensure that the community is well aware of your intent. The key point is to follow the guidelines outlined on this website and nothing else. If there is question, I highly recommend that a runner develop a summary that provides details of the crossing and then post that document into the Badwater forums for feedback. Try to make everything as transparent as possible.

What did you use for live tracking? 

I used a SPOT Gen3 Messenger with two different live tracking platforms. The first platform was the normal SPOT Find Me Spot Shared Page. Click the LINK to see the track layout. This platform is pretty basic and is free when you activate your SPOT tracker. 

The second platform is much more interactive and is perfect for documenting the Badwater Crossing. The platform uses data from your SPOT shared page and overlays the tracks onto a more detailed map. The platform is called FasterTracks and is developed by Nate Swanberg. The webpage includes a more detailed map overview of the course, distance and speed calculations (near real-time), elevation data, text messaging check-ins, and weather information while on route. I really enjoyed that everyone was capable of taking a picture or video with their phone and texting the media onto my Fastertracks custom page.

The times on the page may not be accurate so users will definitely want to have a couple back-ups for documenting official time. My official timer was the timer function on my cell phone. We documented all the required times using the timer with my SPOT page as a back-up. Check out my custom Fastertracks page for Badwater146. Here's a couple of pictures of what my page looked like. 

Main Overview Page - Each of those white "bubble" icons are messages or media taken on the course.

Fastertracks page zoomed in and with one of the text icons opened.

Any reflections from the crew?

From Liza:

It was really wonderful to have Eisha's help up to Whitney Portal and then onto the summit.  Having a team of four up to the Portal really allows the crew to get more sleep.

• Seek out early birds and night owls and pair them up and stagger shifts accordingly.  If you're just working with a crew of three, identify sleep requirements.
• Get the Whitney permits as early as you can.  ;)
• Top off gas whenever you have the option.  
• Keeping a third cooler in the support vehicle is great for resupplying ice.  
• Make a list of items that need to be kept in the van when it's "gutted" to be left at the portal.  I left the bleach behind because I didn't realize it wasn't packed in the mountaineering bag.

That's all I can think of right now.  Maybe if we'd been more of a junk show...

Oh yeah...always have a French-Moroccan on the team.

From Ridouane:

I agree with you Liza! The French-Moroccan is the most important-;) but make sure he brings some sweet and mint tea with him. Otherwise he/she is useless-;)

• Get some ibuprofen pills (seems to be a good booster) 
• Don't forget to take a picture right at the start of the course
• Manage the runners watch battery level more closely or get a Suunto watch
• Sleep strategy: I am wondering what would have been the consequence of sleeping for two hours in Lone Pine before heading towards the Portal.
• Don't plan to get champagne at the top!

From Andy:

• I think a crew of four mere mortals would be best for sleep rotation and general response to any situation as it arises, mostly just because having the sanity check of another "fresh" person is valuable and important when running low on energy, etc.
• I thought there was a lot of unused "dead space" in the van (it was a of little consequence other than for organization). Maybe shelving running down both sides that gets fixed in place to take advantage of the space up high?
• I certainly can't arm chair quarterback the overall strategy because I've never done it, but from an outsider perspective I tend to think Ridouane's question regarding sleep is salient. The rest cycles could have been more deliberately planned. Everyone is different, but for me and most clients I have managed I will take the planned rest breaks every time over the ad hoc ones. I feel when you can seek to control as much of the environmental variables as possible you will get more comfortable and meaningful rest. Basically "the slow down now to speed up later" scenario. Take 2 hours here at a place of maximum comfort (maybe shielded from the worst heat of the day?) for focused deliberate rest vice 15 minute bouts, spread out over 8 different times, in places un-intended and hence less effective for quality rest.

From Eisha:

I agree with Liza, we had a pretty special group 

• For me, when I crew or pace, it's important to try to know my runners' needs.....without them always having to verbalize it. Finding a balance between offering my assistance and nurturing without taking away from their independent experience. 
• Prepare for the worst hope for the best! I forgot my Sawyer straw in the hotel which was a bummer, than goodness some hikers were kind enough to give me some of their iodine tabs because we needed to get water from the creek!
• For crew that may not be acclimated and making the climb with your runner...consider taking the medication to prevent altitude illness. Remember it's about supporting your runner. 
• And last, but certainly not least, you bought the ticket........enjoy the ride! Every painful step because it's always over in a blink of an eye!

Stress is high, feelings are deep and a special kind of bonding happens on the trails like no other. I really loved being part of this experience with this crew. This crew will forever hold a special place in my heart. 

Personal Reflections

Words cannot describe how difficult it was to complete this crossing. As I mentioned in my report of the crossing, I experienced a major emotional/mental unraveling just days before my crossing. When I think about it, I can trace this unraveling as far back as September of last year. I remember completing Mogollon 100 with this huge runner high and then a decent post-race crash. I ran that race really well but I felt tapped emotionally and mentally. It was if I dug a little deeper than I expected and my emotions/mental tank was drained pretty good. After MOG100, I began training for round 2 of Marathon des Sables with big goals. I wanted a top 100 finish but believed that I could place top 50 if everything fell into place. 

Over the months, I would run very well but for some reason my emotional/mental state seemed to be all over the map. Some days everything would click and other days all I wanted to do was sleep or I would break down in a full-on pity party and cry-fest during a run. I knew things were "off" when I received a service award from a non-profit and felt extremely guilty over receiving it. The guilt seemed to stem from self-reflection on how much time I spent on these projects when I could have been spending that time in other places or with people that are important in my life. As the months progressed, I wasn't eating well because I could hardly taste food and my stomach was worked into a perma-knot. It was super uncomfortable and sometimes painful to eat. As things got worse, people would tell me to go see a specialist but I simply shrugged it off and chalked the symptoms up to the rigors of training. 

As I moved into Marathon des Sables, I got worked on the first day and found myself digging super deep to continue and it was only the first day of a stage race. As the stages progressed, I began to unravel emotionally the deeper I dug into the motivation tank. The deeper I dug, the worse things felt physically. I wasn't able to take in food because that perma-knot in my stomach as at an all-time high. On the long day, I had absolutely no motivation to cling on too. I felt beat down emotionally and that was reflecting in my physical abilities. In the middle of the night, I laid down in the sand and gave up. I had quit several times prior to this moment but this time it was for good. As I stared at the stars, I remember thinking that there is no way I can be done and somehow willed myself to get up and start running. Before I knew it, I was back to running a good pace but still battling with my emotions, the mental struggles, and my gut and tied in a knot. I would go on to finish MdS feeling broken on an emotional and mental level. Although I finished...I was broken and feeling like a failure. What I was experiencing wasn't just running issues but an unraveling of built-up tension that I kept bottled up for years. MdS post-race blues were at an all-time high and I truly had no understanding of what to do or how to fix it. I simply went on letting these feelings and emotions get the best of me everyday. The lack of senses and the feeling of emptiness, numbness, and failure became even greater several months after MdS. When I look back, those days were very cloudy and I have little memory of that timeframe. I felt like all I was doing was existing. 

Fast forward to a couple weeks before Badwater 146 and all of this emotional and mental tension became unbearable. I knew I needed help but still unsure of how to get help as well as battling my ego in the fact that I'm going to have to ask for help. I remember those days being very foggy and cloudy mentally. I fought hard to keep everything contained inside but I was losing that battle quickly. A few days before my departure for Badwater, I could no longer contain those feelings and I unraveled like no other. Everything that I kept contained seemed to come pouring out. I was about to head into one of the biggest challenges of my life and I'm unraveling emotionally and mentally. I had this overall feeling of failure and grief. I woke up one morning being at an all-time low. I needed an escape, more importantly I realized that I couldn't do this alone and needed help. I reached out to a friend who put me in contact with a life coach and we met at their office. I spent several hours just talking about my situation and processing some of the emotions and feelings that were causing me to feel overwhelmed. They worked with me and got me into a good headspace where I could at least begin to function and make some sound decisions. 

One of the biggest decisions was whether to attempt the crossing or not. I remember calling Liza and Andy and giving them the details of what had occurred over the last couple of days. I relayed that I still wasn't even close to being 100% and I simply had a band-aid on things at the moment. We all decided that going out to Death Valley was a good start. Once there, if I felt the calling than I would start running and see how far I could go. I met with this coach everyday leading up to Badwater 146. Although I improved a little, I still had this feeling of failure and grief.

It's hard to describe how I was out running this awesome course in a super challenging environment but feel like a failure throughout this incredible experience. I remember standing at the starting line with my eyes closed and trying to sift through all the swirling thoughts. I remember telling myself that whatever it was that I was going through ends at this starting line. From here on out, I needed to focus on all things positive. I remember looking back and seeing a barren landscape and telling myself to "keep running from this and things will be better when you stop". It seems like a cheesy cliche but I would visualize Badwater Basin as my current mental state as I would look back at where I ran. I would continuously remind myself that the basin is not a place that I want to be and I would do anything to not go back. I made it a point to make sure that everything was viewed as a success. Each step, each bite, each drink, each smile, and each hug were all successes. 

In the end, my Badwater 146 crossing was a huge success despite how I was feeling. It took several weeks of mentally processing my experience to get to a point where I view and believe that the crossing was a success. Many people who have completed the crossing say there is something unknown and special about climbing towards Whitney after running 135 miles. Some describe this phenomenon like transcendent running where you cross through several physical, mental, and spiritual dimensions. I would have to agree and even add that this phenomenon continues for awhile after the crossing. The success of Badwater 146 really hit home for me when I opened a package and held my Badwater 146 buckle in my hand. I have my crew and my support system to thank for getting me to the summit of Mount Whitney. I proudly wear this buckle as a symbol of love and passion for our crew. You were all with me every step of the way and I can't thank you enough.

My hope in telling my story is to put it out there in the universe in the chance that someone else may be going through the same thing. My advice is to seek help and don't wait as long as I did. I never thought I would give in to what I went through but it happens. It's important to be aware that this can occur and be quick to get help. Heck...hit me up if you want to talk. I'm not a professional but I also have friends who are there for me to simply listen and I know I can be the same for someone else. It's been a little over a month since the crossing and I am continuing to work through my situation but in a healthy manner. I've got my senses back. My taste is back and I enjoy my food to no end. My perma-knot is completely gone. I've lost a few pounds of stress fat around my mid-section. I feel as if a huge burden has lifted off of me. I feel like I have my light feet and running power back. This is evident in my running splits. I've run my fastest mile splits in years during the last few weeks. I feel more resilient than I have ever have even though I know I still have a lot of work ahead of me. I attribute all of this positive gain by reaching out for help and learning about ways to process my emotions and feelings in a healthy manner. Although things still feel a little unstable, I look forward to what the future holds for me.

My success in Badwater 146 is attributed to my survival mindset. As a Survival, Evasion, Resistance, and Escape Specialist for the Air Force, this mindset was engrained in me as an 18-year old young man. 

"For our purposes, survivor is defined as 'anyone who faces and overcomes adversity, hardship, illness, or physical or emotional trauma.' Survivors keep going despite opposition and setbacks. They may want to quit but they still persevere. Some even manage to excel under the worst circumstances. They make the most of misfortune. They grow in ways they never could have imagined. They don't just exist or subsist. They live fully. In the jargon of the field, they thrive. Whether they survive six months or sixty years, they make the most of their time. Survivor comes from the French survivre, which means "to live beyond or longer than." It originates from the Latin supervivere. Super means "over, beyond" and vivere means "to live." Survivors quite literally are super livers." 

Ben Sherwood, Survivors Club

Badwater 146 Crew
Left to Right: Liza Howard, Ricky Haro, Eisha Carroll, Ridouane Amallah
Bottom: Andy Ballard

What's Next?

Three Months to Live Project

- A Selfless Act
- Forgiveness
- Gratitude
- Life Review in Solitude